People are always complaining about school lunches, whether it’s about the lack of nutrition, lack of diversity, or poor quality of meals. It’s time we recognize the real victims of these complaints: large industrial food producers and manufacturers.

These manufacturers, given the name “Big Food”, serve over 95 percent of public schools that participate in the government-subsidized National School Lunch Program (NSLP) in the United States. Their priority is to sell lots of food so that every kid in the US is being fed their products. 

They do so by lovingly making schools sign their completely clear and totally fair contracts. These contracts just state that schools have to serve and promote their corporate brands above 

all others and if they serve or promote anything or anyone else then they’ll serve them a big fun lawsuit. 

After all, Big Food only wants the best for the students of the schools that are under a strict contract with them. 

They make sure that all the robots in the food assembly line are cleaned once every blue moon so that all food is made with clean metal claws. They also encase them in cocoons of salt, ice, and a secret concoction the factory calls “fun juice”, allowing them to stay extra fresh when they reach schools. Most people would call the “fun juice” preservatives that shouldn’t touch human skin but that name is less fun! 

“We want the best for our little sucker-I mean students,” said DevourAll CEO Nota Realperson, “I’d never hurt a consum- learner, I’m just like them after all. I put my jetpack on one strap at a time to get to each of my meetings on my gold-plated yacht.” 

Big Food loves students so much that it spent millions of dollars lobbying the federal government to weaken or change its nutritional standards. They did this to make it easier for schools to serve french fries and pizza. Not only that, they loosened restrictions on the amount of sodium, flavored milk, and refined grains that could be served in school meals. And why wouldn’t they!

Students prefer the yummy frozen pizzas and french fries then fresh fruit or fish. Students love the food so much that they vomit the millisecond they swallow it, just so they can enjoy it a second time. 

With all those nasty restrictions gone, students can enjoy more of the meals that Big Food wants to serve them. And they can still legally call it healthy!

But for some unknown reason, students are still complaining about the quality of school lunches. Why?

Well, it must be the cafeteria workers at fault for the gross lunches. They´re the ones making them after all! They should stop making the pre-approved lunches that are required to make and serve all 2,453 students of Parkdale handmade meals catered to what they want that afternoon. Anytime the cafeteria workers are confronted with these, totally, fair criticisms they whine about outrageous things like staff shortages and our wonderful contracts.

“Food is only purchased through pre-approved vendors…I would like to see more fish on the menu…,” said Cafeteria worker Deborah McNitt, “We [the Parkdale cafeteria staff] need more employees in the cafeteria. There are staff shortages everywhere. If we had more employees, we could open up our fourth serving line.”

We make sure all the food created by Big Food has ingredients  “generally recognized as safe” (GRAS) as by the health department. To make sure all our ingredients are GRAS the list of safe foods for consumers is made by Big Food! You can’t violate the health and safety regulations if you make them after all!

Who cares if the European Union has dubbed most of the food Big Food produces as unsafe for human consumption because of the negative impacts on human health. 

Everyone should obey their corporate overlords and eat up!