Thinking about your existence and all the things going on in the reality you live in can lead one into a downward spiral called an existential crisis. I often find myself lying in my bed having existential crises about very possible, or impossible, events that I could possibly see in my lifetime: nations going to war over water, extreme storms, and a majority of Met Gala attendees actually following the theme; it’s most likely that no human being will ever live to see that. 

While it’s easy to get over frustration after a horrible Met Gala, it could be even harder for some to get over the absolute dread, despair, and agony felt when learning about the impending doom humanity faces. Luckily, there is a tool which you can use that has been tried and tested–tested by yours truly–  and known to work in every single situation big and small. This very revolutionary tool is called delusion, and while origins are unknown, many important and star-studded people throughout history have used this tool. The most significant and well-known user being Johnny Martinez Duran, oh wait that’s me!

Throughout my life, I have used delusion in many bad and good ways and just recently have used this tool in a positive way. 

Going into high school, I sequestered myself into a miserable box. I often thought the worst of myself and believed that I was the ugliest, least likable, hideous human being in the world and that I deserved nothing given to me. Ironically, no one in my life would ever tell me these things or even do anything to make me believe this, and looking back I was often uplifted and loved by my friends and family.

I somehow still managed to convince myself that I was those things and that acknowledging those things as truth would protect myself from any verbal harm. At this point in my life, I took people’s opinions of me seriously and that led me to become the shy quiet kid. 

This box of self hatred started to become an infection rather than a place of comfort. This self-made infection didn’t allow me to talk to strangers, make new friends, love myself, be proud of being gay, and more. I became sick of putting my true happier self in a prison and allowing myself to see myself be depressed and sad. So one day in the middle of freshman year, I decided that I need to heal myself and finally be happy and confident. 

I have been able to heal myself from all of those self-deprecating thoughts and for two to three years, I have been the happiest I have ever been. So how does delusion come into play? Well, I used just enough delusion on myself to eventually say “wait a minute I can be that very thing I am deluding myself to be.” Let me explain.

For example, I would walk into school and tell myself that I am the very best looking one there, even if I look super basic. Eventually, you start building confidence as you are just continually saying positive things about yourself, even if some of it seems crazy and ridiculous, and eventually, you are able to get your brain and heart to agree with those statements and then you are able to achieve confidence and self-love.

However, this was just a small glimpse into my journey of eventual self love and confidence and it definitely was not easy. If you do decide to go on this journey, remember that it will be hard and there are times you will want to give up and go back into that supposed “safe space”, but ask yourself why were you even trying to get out of that “safe space” in the first place.

One final warning is to not allow yourself to become so delusional that you become a narcissist, as that would just become a whole new problem.